A year ago around this time, I was absolutely terrified to have our little boy. At 8 months, I was still trying to get used to the idea of even being pregnant. After being told at my doctors office that we may need to see specialist type person, I didn't even know if I could have a baby. So while in my primary care doctors office, we accepted the referral to the "baby doctor" to try to figure something out.
We were only sitting in the doctors office that day because I had been struggling to breathe for several days. I had an elephant sitting on my chest and just couldn't get air. It was a Friday and I couldn't go all weekend feeling like I was stuck underwater; so my husband (Riley) got an appointment for me, picked me up from work and took me to the doctor. Of course, I didn't plan on saying anything baby-wise to my primary physician, but when I was asked if there were any other problems I needed to mention - it just kind of came out.
We had the appointment made for when Riley got home from his upcoming 2-week work hitch. Hopefully things would get figured out.
We'd only been praying about a baby for a few months, but not knowing for sure was rather disheartening.
In the days following my respiratory incident, I was even more tired than I was while struggling to breathe. I'm still convinced I dozed off a time or two at work, but it was also January and I tend to hibernate during cold months. I started to not feel good at all - my whole body felt like it was cramping up - coming home and going straight to bed every day... I felt pretty cruddy. Apparently, I was good at faking that part.
Riley left for work that Thursday morning. We had hopes as always that it would seem like a short two weeks, only this time when he got home we'd be going to a very important doctors appointment. I had the weekend off of work and honestly, I have no idea what I did - but I probably slept. Riley's birthday was Monday. I don't think we'd ever spent his actual birthday together due to his job but I was a little more bummed out this year. Things were just off, like my normal bubbly self was just hidden away somewhere. I went shopping at a local boutique looking tired and wearing no makeup. The employee seemed extremely preppy and was a little coarse. It hurt my feelings and I left the shop without buying anything, got in my truck and cried. What the heck? I text my best friend Lindsey: "I was just in a clothing store and the girl working was super snippy and hurt my feelings. What's wrong with me???" Lindsey text back: "Hahaha it's okay little britches."
The idea of possibly being pregnant had crossed my mind but I felt like taking a pregnancy test was pointless. I would just be disappointed. After everything I had heard about myself medically, I didn't really feel like it was worth the upset, especially if it ended up happening over and over and over again. Needless to say, I had taken a pregnancy test around Christmas and the negative result crushed my soul.
I don't know if it was something in my head telling me, or just a really weird feeling, but on Tuesday it was too much and I had to check and see. I'll be the first to say that there's something really intimidating about waiting for those little blue lines to show up. I sat there, on the cold, laminate tile floor of our bathroom, anxiously waiting once again.
It seems like forever but also the quickest moment in the world at the same time.
Gradually, one line appeared and I shrugged a little to myself. Go figure. It doesn't even matter anyway. I sat there holding the test trying not to be too bummed out. I don't know why those tests work how they do, but slowly a second blue line appeared. Three pregnancy tests later I sent a text to Riley and said I needed to see him (on FaceTime) if he wasn't busy. I was freaking out, frantic, excited, scared, wondering how this was possible after everything I'd been told. For a few minutes I paced the hallway, then cried, then realized I was trembling and went to sit back in the bathroom to stare at the row of tests with double blue lines. How am I pregnant? I had an appointment with a doctor in 2 weeks to figure all this out - what was going on?
Riley called a few minutes later on FaceTime. I was still sitting on the bathroom floor. He looked tired, but concerned, "What's up, babe?"
I couldn't speak.
"What is it?"
I don't remember if I sent him a picture or held up the pregnancy tests, but he didn't say anything for a second. And then, "What does that mean?"
I still couldn't talk and felt the tears welling up again. I grabbed my phone, stood up, went into our bedroom and sat on the bed grabbing up the covers around me.
"Does that mean your pregnant?" Riley asked, still wondering.
I sobbed, "Are you mad?"
A pause, and then chuckle, "No, not unless I have a reason to be." (Yes, he said that.)
I had tears streaming down my face, "It's just so unexpected..."
"But not unwanted. We prayed for this remember?" he assured me.
After some tears and convincing, the shock was not gone but I had told him and felt relieved that we had this secret together. I would have never made it until he got home to tell him. And I was so scared for some reason I needed the comfort. I woke up the next morning thinking a little bit that it was all a dream and cried all over again after 3 more pregnancy tests. I guess it was real life after all.
My husband was going to be a daddy, I was going to be a mommy.
We were going to be parents!
Fast forward to today and we are planning the birthday party for our almost 1-year-old! We are so excited for this bittersweet day. It's been an adventure watching our baby grow into a toddler and see how smart he is (obviously, he takes after his daddy ha). We can't wait to share this day with family and friends and to celebrate our "Little Lumberjack", as that's the theme we chose for the party. I can't wait to share his birthday party with you all here on the blog. I hope it turns out as Pinterest worthy as I have hoped! :)
And if you were wondering, I'm working on a couple posts about our pregnancy and delivery; and also something I'm very hesitant to share with anyone about the first year of life as parents. So stay close!